This is one of the funniest posts on Tumblr, hands down.
An alternate universe where Bruce Wayne died instead of his parents. Causing his father Thomas Wayne to become Batman and his mother Martha to go insane and become the Joker.
THIS IS SO CRAZY
do you ever think about how little Michelangelo cared
All right, everyone, grab a chair and sit back because I’m going to share with you what I learned about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel in my Art History Class.
The man NEVER wanted to paint the damn thing. But the pope at the time “forced him to” According to my teacher. Michelangelo hated this man, I MEAN REALLY HATED HIM. So did a majority of people. The pope’s nickname translated literally means “Terrible pope”.
And the working conditions were awful. He had to work on his back with all that paint, which is filled with some toxic shit that gave Michelangelo a limp for the rest of his life.
(Also, our teacher made us get on our backs and try drawing with both hands JUST to prove how bad and uncomfortable it is.)
At the time, the ceiling was so high, you could barely see it. You need binoculars to get a good look at what’s up there, by the time people could see the paintings, there was a lot of weird symbolism that Michelangelo hid up there.
This one? The creation of the sun and moon? God is mooning you. And the pope and all others after him prayed under that without knowing.
This one? At the time, dissecting was sacrilegious and everyone found out how behind God was what looked like half a brain. blah blah, science, science, that pissed everyone off.
And also, ALLLLLLL the men and women in the Sistine Chapel are all on fucking steroids. My teacher described the women’s bodies as "Men bodies with boobs slapped on."
And then there is this:
Now this is the back wall. Michelangelo actually wanted to paint this one after he finished the ceiling. (and there was a different pope too, I believe.) However, originally, EVERYONE in that painting was naked. And they didn’t like it. Adam and Eve naked? That’s cool. But Jesus? Now you crossed the line. So the pope at the time hired someone else to censor it and give the important figures clothes. He worked on it for 6 or 9 months before he died.
And then the symbolism in this one is great. Somewhere in the right, there are homosexuals in heaven. (No matter what, the Vatican will say “Those straight men are happy” I’ll get to that in a second), Michelangelo painted himself near Jesus, and the terrible pope is in hell with a snake biting his balls.
And if you were to point ANY of this out to the Vatican, they will deny all of it and claim Michelangelo was a catholic hero. In fact, when they discovered the symbolism around the 60s or 70s, the guy who told the Vatican was kicked out of the Vatican for life.
TL;DR: Michelangelo hated the pope and made the best “fuck you” of all time.
YO. ALL OF THIS^. Michelangelo was hella grumpy all of the time. It was fantastic.
However, as beautiful as this commentary is, I’m gonna make a little correction. The Pope isn’t the one in hell getting his balls bitten; that guy is actually the Papal Minister of Ceremonies a the time, Biagio de Cesena.
See, when Michelangelo was painting this, as you said, lots of people were uncomfortable with all of the nudity (especially because the Last Judgement [back wall mural] was painted much later when nudity in religious art was even more controversial than before), but the dude who was the angriest was de Cesena.
He was so angry that he reportedly burst in on Michelangelo while he was working (which is already a big no-no because Michelangelo’s requirements for working were mostly “fuck the hell off and leave me alone or else I quit and I will stab you in the eye with my paintbrush/chisel”.). He then proceeds to tell Michelangelo that this fresco is disgusting and obscene and shame on him etc etc. He also referred to it as “i stui di nudi”, which means “A stew of nudes” which is one of the best descriptions of a thing ever, if you ask me.
So Michelangelo, probably on the cusp of homicide is like “Thank you for the notes. Now get the fuck out,” and de Cesena reluctantly does.
Later, he comes to see the finished product and finds that Michelangelo had painted his portrait down in Hell to represent the Minos, King of the Dead. He has the ears of an ass and the above described crotch biting snake:
Upon seeing this and being enraged, de Cesena went to the Pope to demand that it be changed and that Michelangelo be punished. However, the Pope was SO incredibly done dealing with Michelangelo’s snark, tantrums, and general hatred of the world and everyone in it, that he didn’t want to do shit.
The Pope’s response to him was literally to say “As Pope, I have a lot of influence on Earth and up in Heaven, but I have no jurisdiction in Hell. You’re shit out of luck.”
And it stayed.
Michelangelo, grade A artist, snark master, and professional dick.
Art history is complicated :I
NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE FACT THAT ITS HARRY THAT IS SECONDARY TO THE REAL PROBLEM WHICH IS THAT IT FUCKING ROMANTICIZES MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
I DONT CARE ABOUT ANNA AND HER DREAMS OKAY I CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE GIRLS WHO ARE GOING TO READ THIS BOOK OR SEE THIS MOVIE AND THINK THAT THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS DESIRABLE. I CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE GIRLS WHO WILL END UP IN A RELATIONSHIP LIKE HARRY AND TESSA’S. I CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE GIRLS WHO WON’T UNDERSTAND THAT THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS BAD AND HORRIBLE. I CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE GIRLS WHO WILL INTERNALIZE THE IDEAS PORTRAYED IN THE STORY. BECAUSE EVEN IF EVERYTHING ENDS UP HAPPY IN THE BOOK, THINGS /DONT/ IN REAL LIFE. ABUSERS VERY VERY VERY RARELY STOP ABUSING. ABUSERS VERY VERY VERY RARELY CHANGE. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANNA’S CRUSHED FUCKING DREAMS, I CARE ABOUT LITTLE GIRLS’ CRUSHED FUCKING SELF ESTEEMS AND EMOTIONS AND EVEN BODIES DEPENDING ON THE TYPE OF ABUSE THIS NOVEL MAKES THEM SUSCEPTIBLE TO. AFTER OPENS DOORS IN ITS READERS MINDS AND MAKES THEM DESIRE A RELATIONSHIP LIKE HARRY AND TESSA’S, THATS THE ROMANTICIZATION. IF YOURE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO’S GOING TO ARGUE AGAINST THAT, IM FUCKING PROOF OKAY. AFTER I READ AFTER I WANTED TO BE FAMOUS LIKE ANNA. I WANTED PEOPLE TO READ AND LOVE MY FIC. SO I WROTE A DARK HARRY FIC IN WHICH HE ONLY USES THE GIRL FOR SEX AND HE SEXUALLY HARASSES HER, BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD STORY LINE AND GOOD BEGINNING TO A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THATS WHAT AFTER TAUGHT ME. I WROTE A DARK LOUIS FIC IN WHICH HE /RAPES/ THE ORIGINAL FEMALE CHARACTER, BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE MORE EXTREME YOU GO, THE MORE PEOPLE WILL READ IT. I THOUGHT THE MORE HE HURTED HER AND THEN WAS SORRY FOR IT, THE MORE BROKEN AND IRREPARABLE HE WAS, THE MORE PEOPLE WOULD ENJOY THE STORY. BECAUSE THATS WHAT AFTER TAUGHT ME.
BUT I CAME TO MY SENSES AND I REALIZED WHAT I WAS DOING AND I STOPPED. AND I REALIZED WHAT AFTER WAS DOING AND I STOPPED READING IT. BUT THERES LITTLE GIRLS LIKE THAT WHO WON’T REALIZE, AND THEYRE GOING TO LIVE THEIR LIVES WITH THIS IDEA THAT THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP PORTRAYED IN AFTER IS HEALTHY, EVEN DESIRABLE, AND THEYRE GOING TO GET STUCK IN A SIMILAR SITUATION, BUT IT /WON’T END FOR THEM/ BECAUSE THIS IS REAL FUCKING LIFE.
I HONESTLY FORGET WHAT YOUR MESSAGE SAID AT THIS POINT BC IM ON MOBILE AND I CAN’T SEE IT, AND IM SORRY FOR THE CAPS, BUT THERE IS NO DEFENSE OF AFTER THAT WILL MAKE ME THINK DIFFERENTLY. THESE ARE THE FACTS. THE GOOD THING ABOUT FACTS IS WHETHER OR NOT YOU BELIEVE THEM, THEYRE STILL TRUE. AFTER IS TOXIC AND INDEFENSIBLE. AFTER ROMANTICIZES ABUSE. IM SORRY THAT WE’RE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY THE AUTHOR’S DREAMS, BUT SHE CAN GET A BOOK DEAL WITH SOMETHING THAT WON’T POTENTIALLY RUIN PEOPLE’S LIVES, WITH SOMETHING THAT WON’T TRIGGER PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS EXACTLY LIKE HARRY AND TESSA’S, WITH SOMETHING THAT PORTRAYS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
It’s just a book.
And politicians are just people! And advertisements are just video clips! And essays are just words! Oh my god!! Would you look at that!! Things can influence people!! What a fucking concept!!!!!!!!!! Fuck, why don’t I go into a church and tell those people its just a book!!!! Why don’t I interrupt the president someday to tell everyone he’s just a person!!! Wow!!!!!! Things influence people I cannot /believe/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish someone had told me this when I was hurting, y.g.